GREENVILLE, SC—An upstate coalition of conservative Christians has announced its endorsement of Donald J. Trump in Saturday’s GOP presidential primary. The group, which has often maligned Barack Obama’s lack of pre-presidential experience, points to Mr. Trump’s proven record as a reality-television star as evidence of his readiness to carry the country’s nuclear codes.
Upstate Christians are known as family-values voters. Appearing on ABC’s The View, Mr. Trump solidified his family-values bona fides, valuing his daughter so much that he noted, “if Ivanka was not my daughter, I’d be dating her.”
Perhaps most appealing to Upstate constituents is Mr. Trump’s politically-incorrect, tell-it-like-it-is speaking style. Jimmie Darnell, a deacon at Muddy River Baptist Church, noted,” we are plain tired of the Washington ‘stablishment and their slippery, divided tongues.”
Just a few years ago, before talking like a conservative in order to run as a Republican for president, Mr. Trump “told it like it was “ about his abortion views. On a national news broadcast, Mr. Trump said he supported the legality of partial birth abortion. To say it politically incorrect—as Upstate Christians insist—Mr. Trump, as a sane adult and speaking publicly of his own volition, stated that he supported the practice of taking a developed baby partially out of the womb, stabbing it with a pair of long surgical scissors, and then sucking the baby’s brains out with a vacuum.
“We’re gonna make America great again!,” exclaimed Pastor Clint Judson. The babies could not be reached for comment.
Darnell, also a small-business owner, lauded Mr. Trump as a “businessman who knows how to get things done,” and drew special attention to Mr. Trump’s nuanced and finely tuned trade policy with Mexico. “We’ll tell them to go f#<& themselves,” Mr. Trump outlined in a policy speech in New Hampshire recently.
Mr. Trump’s business acumen is perhaps best seen in the diversity of the businesses he own. For example, if elected, Mr. Trump would be the first U.S. president to own a strip club at the exact moment he puts his hand on the Bible to take the oath of office. “Don’t worry, we’re far enough from DC that the lightning won’t strike us,” joked Darnell.
Endorsing Mr. Trump, a noted eminent domain enthusiast, unites this Christian coalition with Knox White Republicans living in Greenville’s West End who specialize in stealing other people’s property to build uppity boutiques for Yankee housewives.
Mr. Trump, though he has offered little in the way of substantial ideas during his campaign, has assured the American public that he has the “best guys” who’ll make “great deals.” Mr. Trump’s lawyers are heralded as examples of the candidate’s “best guys.” For example, these lawyers helped him file for divorce from his second wife (the one he met at church and subsequently slept with while married to his first wife), just days shy of their prenuptial agreement’s expiration date. He then leaked the news to a New York newspaper and left a copy of the morning paper on his wife’s bed, which is how she learned that her marriage was over. “Flawlessly executed,” said Rev. Judson. “I mean, I’m not sayin’ I agree with it, just that it was pretty savvy. We need somebody like that dealing with Putin.”
“Plus, the way I figure it,” Rev. Judson went on the explain, “it takes a mighty religious man to find his next wife at church.”
Muddy River Baptist Church recently set a church record by giving $1300 to the annual international offering, showing, in Mr. Darnell’s words, “MRBC’s commitment to the nations of our world.” He then went on to tout the nuance and precision of Mr. Trump’s foreign policy, which the candidate thus summarized at a rally last week, “we’ll bomb the sh*t out of them.”
“In the end, we need a candidate who can make America great again,” said Judson. “We need someone who can reverse ObamaCare, for example.”
Clearly, the one GOP candidate who has come out in favor of universal government-paid-for health care is the man to reverse President Obama’s health-care-for-all initiative.
The coalition is expecting the philandering, baby-murder supporting, property-stealing, strip clubbing reality-TV star to unite the party and usher in a new golden age of Reaganism.
“God bless America,” Judson added.
[File under Satire]